Distance and Thoughts

I've been very inactive lately here on dA, and it's for personal reasons. I still love this site, and I'm not leaving it, I just haven't been as engaged and active as I used to be.

I don't even know where to start, really.

Things at my current job went from bad to worse in only 48 hours almost two weeks ago. I took a mini vacation with my Mom and her roommate down to a tiny tourist town about an hour and a half outside of the city where we all live. We got to go whale watching, did some shopping, relaxed, spent a night in a motel, and generally had an amazing experience. It was the first actual vacation I have ever had in my entire life.

The only thing that ruined parts of it for me was the crippling anxiety and depression. If you didn't know, anxiety and depression are serious BFF's, and I have recently been diagnosed with Major Depression by a licensed professional. That wasn't a surprise, as I have depression on both sides of my family, and was pretty much destined to suffer from it at one point or another.

The real problem is that I've been suffering from depression since I was 12. In October, I'll be 26.... Yup. 14 years of some serious ups and downs.

Recently, work has been hell. I made a mistake on the order back on July 22nd. I thought I had ordered two items that we needed badly, but apparently I overlooked them and submitted the order. I'd have them written down, but I didn't transfer them onto the online order sheet. It was a simple mistake, and all it would take to fix it was one phone call to our supplier and the items could be delivered for a small fee. I'm a perfectionist by nature, and it makes me feel absolutely awful to make any kind of mistake, no matter what the size.

I found out about my mistake on July 24th, which was a Friday. A full day after the order had already been delivered. On that day I had passed out cold, due to a problem with my neck that I still need a doctor to diagnose and treat. I had called in to say that I would be late, even though I shouldn't have gone into work at all because of my physical state; disoriented, exhausted, nauseous, and unable to focus. The manager decided to berate me in public in front of the other working staff members about my mistake as soon as I got there, not caring about my current state. When I say berate, I mean in a louder voice than normal speaking tone she went on and on about how I made a mistake, how it was terrible, and now what the hell are we going to do? She laid into me for only a short five minutes, but it was enough that I left the store to go to the bathroom to be alone for a few minutes.

From Saturday morning on July 25th until August 14th, I received the silent treatment from the manager. During that period of time, she stripped me of all ordering privileges and cake duties, going so far as to wait until my day off to change the password to the company email so that I could no longer access cake orders or have any knowledge of what was going on with the company.

I was treated like I didn't exist, and if I dared to be in one spot, she would physically avoid coming into any sort of contact with me. She up and decided to start talking to me magically on August 14th, like she was my best fucking friend. Like I really trust you, bitch?

Makes a person just feel PEACHY.

I began looking for other jobs, and started booking actual days off in writing, in the book where everyone writes in their RTO's (Requested Time Off). This is where most of anxiety started up...

Back to my mini vacation now. I got a text on the Monday, August 17th that was rather bitchy in tone about her not remembering that I requested the 18th off, and that if I had any problems with the schedule, I needed to come to her, blah, blah, blah. I told her I wasn't going to be in town on the 18th anyways, so she needed to fill my shift. I already wrote the date down before the schedule was posted, so she was at fault for not booking my day off. Too bad.

On the 18th, I woke up and suffered the worst anxiety I have ever felt. At several points, I couldn't even breathe properly, let alone move physically. It was absolutely humiliating for me, as this was the first time I'd ever had an anxiety attack in front of other people. Normally they just creep up on me at home in privacy. Mom and her roommate were very understanding, as both of them have suffered from anxiety and depression for many, many years.

I managed to enjoy the bulk of my vacation, and I went to work on the 19th as scheduled. I got called out of the store by the manager for a "talking to" about the schedule, being late for work on a few occasions, and for daring to have an opinion. I'm not allowed to have feelings and thoughts, you know.

She threatened me about getting written up for being late and it going on my record. She also said that if the business's success went down, my hours would get cut. She told me that it's best I find another job, and she and the owner don't want me there any longer.

I didn't go to work that Thursday, and Friday I ended up in the hospital due to anxiety. After explaining a small part of what was going on, the doctor that I saw put me out on Medical Stress Leave until after I see my doctor on September 1st. My Mom delivered the note to my workplace, and the manager didn't even have the balls to come out and see what was being submitted. I retained a copy of the note for my personal records.

My blood pressure when I was triage-d was 191/122.

You know it's a bad situation when FOUR medical professionals tell you to quit your fucking job.

I have experienced anxiety and severe depressive episodes on a daily basis, and there are times I literally do not know what to do. My sleeping schedule is totally ruined, and meal times are few and far between. When I do remember to eat, everything that I eat makes me feel nauseous. My blood pressure is high enough that I'm chronically tired, and my Mom is afraid that my doctor may have to put me on a medication to lower it. We'll have to wait and see what my doctor says on Tuesday.

I have been looking for work, and went on two interviews. I have also been using my stress leave to work on my own business. I have had good success thus far, having sold three baby sets, six dragons, and I have a commission for two more dragons. I am currently also working on an afghan as a donation to a charity auction, something that makes me very happy to do.

The long and short of it all?

I'm tired. I'm so very tired.