Rant warning! This is ramblings from a mind that is tired, overheated, and in the mood to complain!
Not too much has changed in the two months or so from my last journal. I am still in the same job, still doing the same things, still in the same apartment, still working for the same wage. I feel like my life is a hamster wheel more often than not, but that is what the average human's life is. When you are an adult, you work, pay bills, and fall asleep when you're tired unless you suffer from insomnia.
What has been bugging me is the constant stereotyping. I know that nothing like that should bother me. It's been practically beaten into my head from the moment I was born that I should never ever let stereotypes or what others say about me affect me. "Just let it wash off you like water from a duck's back", as my mother has often said.
Unfortunately there are days that it sticks to me more like superglue than anything else. Today is one of those days.
First off, I am NOT the typical behavioral type for my age. In October this year I will be 25... Now having said that, I am more suited to the lifestyle of a more mature adult than what is typecast for my age group. I am not a party-person, I am not a social butterfly, I do not drink except on extremely rare occasions, I do not smoke, and I do not use recreational/prescription medication in any form whatsoever. The only exception is if I am actually sick and the sinus meds help me breathe. That's it. I do not dress the way my gender is stereotyped for my generation. My wardrobe consists of jeans, t-shirts, tank tops, pajamas for sleeping, and some pants for working out at the gym... A number of hoodies because I like them and I do not own a spring or fall coat, so layers are used to keep me warm in the cooler months, I have some business casual and dress clothes, but they are rarely worn anymore due to no longer working in retail.
From a young age I had people outside my immediate family tell me I was fat. That I would be obese just like my mother. I have always been told I was pretty, but when you are constantly hearing that you're fat... that echoes far louder and longer in the psyche than compliments. I was bullied instantly from kindergarten on, but that is sadly a normal thing for most kids. So aside from already being anxious, I am still not a "slim" female like most seem to think I should be.
Because of this, I have a hard mental time finding it acceptable to wear certain things. If it's not baggy, it's hell to get me to wear it, and half the time I have brought something else to change into because I feel too awful and don't want to be looked at. I feel that people are visually judging me from the moment I step outside until the moment I come back into my apartment. If I sit down, I like to be where nobody is able to see me, because I feel like people are staring at me like my aunt used to and inwardly judging that I eat too much, shouldn't be eating that, etc. Most days I feel high anxiety when just sitting down for my break because there aren't places for me to hide away and eat in peace.
Add depression to the anxiety. Add mild (not clinically diagnosed) O.C.D. triggers and you end up with an anxiously depressed mess that just wants everything in order. Not necessarily in that order either.
I am not a social butterfly... my hot saturday night is watching movies and doing some crafts, or catching up on the housework so I can flop on my next day off... Today I was invited out to a party but I have since decided to bail out on it. I am not good with people, even though I can talk to anybody and everybody. I can put up the mask... But I know that every second of every time I go out to a party or gathering, I'm waiting for the first chance to run out the door and go home. Add to it the copious amounts of alcohol already consumed by the others... I'm too damn worried about them making it home safely for me to bother having fun. Most of the time I feel like I'm only asked to go because they were making plans with me right there... It probably isn't the truth, but it's how I feel.
So. Anxious, depressed, mess. Tired. Had an exceedingly long day at work, and just looking forward to my days off on monday and tuesday... They cannot come fast enough.
Listening to: Dr. Phil
Watching: The screen
Drinking: Tension taming tea